The Being of Me

This week has been full of emotion. My longing to create that I’ve always had is finally at its peak in the crescendo of my youth. I feel a void, as I’ve always had, but now it’s hungrier than ever. “Seize the moment, hurry, hurry.” I feel like I’m in a mad dash to pull something out of myself. Maybe I’ve always known it’s there, but I’ve always taken the easy route and now feel that I don’t have the skills to perform.

I need to get over this intense feeling of remorse. The reminder that I’ll be a quarter of a century old in just a few months horrifies me. I still feel 15 at heart. None of my decisions have felt important, I’ve always felt that I’ve had time on my side. Now that thirty lays only five years away, I fear that my impulsive decisions in my youth have led me astray.

I’ve always followed my heart. I fall head over heels in love with things in a momentary spasm of obsession –yet, nothing ever sticks. How am I supposed to grow up when my interests change with the seasons. I guess I’m mad that I never stuck with one thing; constantly insatiable eating everything up that I could. Now I’m left with a sample platter, but no mastery of what’s in front of me.

I’ve always said, “Better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.” I’ve failed myself. I’ve not been trying for a very long time. Everything I’ve done has been out of necessity.

I can’t stop crying. It’s been a minute since I’ve felt this way. A haunting nostalgia has taken over me. I feel like I’m mourning a lover I never had. I’m trying to cope and use my CBT skills to remind me to keep moving forward but those words  “To make yourself feel nothing as to not feel anything – what a waste!” It haunts me. Lingering in my subconscious. I can’t shake it — should I have to?

I’m struggling with finding myself still and yet the need to be perfect or the best is overwhelming. With every compliment, I feel as if I’m carrying a boulder around on my shoulders just waiting for the pressure to kill me.

I hope I have a moment of clarity, a moment of peace. I can’t keep living in the past and I can’t fear the future.

I long for love but know I won’t find it until I find myself. Everyone seems to think I’m an oddball. An antisocial extrovert who doesn’t know how to shut up or filter their thoughts. Maybe that’s what makes me “special.” God, I hate that word. To feel above yourself or to be made to feel like you’re above others, sickens me. I know the truth — I know that I’ve been lucky, but time, is it on my side?  I will be called upon to act and when the time comes will I be ready? I can only hope that I can perform while afraid. I don’t want to let anyone down, I want to make the world proud. I want to make myself proud.

Until then, I will ponder and try to live in the moment. It’s hard. I’m too ADHD and it gets the best of me. I wish I knew what to do. How to focus myself. Here’s to praying that the pieces will fall where they may and that I will be in God’s favor. In the meantime, all I can do is keeping moving.


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